Equality in Relationships

Equality is integrity in relationships.

I had an important realization a little while ago while I was reflecting that most of the people I've been working with lately happen to be women. 

What struck me was the word "happen." That I really felt that way. That I had great partners in business and in the thinking. That those relationship were rooted in equality. And then...after all that...those people happened to be women. I recognized in that moment that I don't carry prejudice. That I only love great thinking and integrous people. 

This was an exciting realization for me. Not because I it showed "just how neat" I am, but because I realized that this must be a reflection of the way that I was raised. That there must be other people that were raised the same and so feel the same way that I do. And I've found this to be true! A number of the women I know refuse to be a part of any relationship not rooted foremost in equality. They'd rather be alone. I recognized that men seem to be lagging in figuring this out. In particular, there seem to be a lot of complaints about men in the 20-30 year-old age range. Regardless, there are men who are achieving clarity regarding this issue. 

I do think things will change and here's why. I didn't always have the clarity that I have now regarding this. Although growing up, I never recognized any integrous reason for gender inequality, I was raised in a world where that was often the thinking expressed. The men attacking, women defending dynamic of dating always felt strange to me. It didn't feel honest. Although there was a recognition of strangeness in this interaction, I did date in this way. Since this realization, I've found incredible relief in my life. Dating is fun. It's just an extension of friendship. It's no longer an experience that feels painful. 
________________

In dating, there's been a kind "line of scrimmage." Men tend to be the ones trying to push across this line. Women tend to defend this line. 

Q: What can we learn from this? 
A: That everyone knows where the line is! 

Men are insecure that if they don't push on the line, they will probably never again have sex. That's kind of what they've been taught. But, if you spend any time talking to women, they'll tell you that they like sex, too. That they like it at least as much as men. 

So, then why are we pushing on the line? If everyone knows where the line is and everyone likes having sex with people they want to have sex with, the line will move it's own. In a way that is mutual. Equal.
________________

I think things are changing. That this is the most important development that will happen during the time our generation spends on this planet. I don't think things will change immediately, but I do believe they are changing. 

I believe that if we recognize a disconnect between truth and our world, it is our responsible to change it. I recognize that popular commercial media in practically no way seems to be descriptive of this change. My thinking is that this media is much more reflective of where we've been than where we are heading. I believe it is our responsibility to educate our own and - most importantly - the next generation of this disconnect. That we are the keepers of that change. 

And when things change, it will be transformative. No longer will so many interactions between men and women reflect this disconnect. That men an women will be able to interact from a place of equality. That relationships will no longer suffer the challenges that this disconnect inspires. The world will be happier and less painful. For everyone.

I am incredibly grateful for all of the women - and men - in my life who have helped me find my way on this path. 

If you have any thoughts, please share them. I recognize that there will be work required to make this transition. If there is some way I can help, please let me know. 

Willingness

Willingness is saying every yes. It's a whole-heartedness in all that I do. 

Willingness is being present with every relationship and in every situation.

It's an agreement with myself and the universe to do my best work always. 

It is through willingness that I experience my life as my own.

Mama Rosa

I saw Brian Blade tonight.

In seeing his band, I realized his important it is to make your life your church. To find yourself in situations of unified intention that are in line with your intention. Be it in bands, business, matters of the heart, living situations, friendship, or anything else you intersect on a regular basis, that is how you can make your life your own. How you can make your life personal. How to have a life you love that challenges you to be the person you want to be.

Failure

Michael Topping and I went on a hike today and we were talking about failure and how much opportunity there is in failure. 

We agree that there is more often more opportunity in failure than in success. 

When you fail, your deficits become apparent. You learn what you need to improve. 

When you succeed, you're aptitudes are the most apparent. We usually know where our aptitudes lie. We hide behind then. We employ them as often as possible.

Our deficits are what we haven't learned yet, so often our deficits are hidden to us.

Failure allows the opportunity to see the holes in our thinking. To learn and then to set new goals for moving forward.

I asked Michael if there was anything you can do that gives more opportunity than failure.

He answered, "Asking questions."
Such a great answer!

Asking questions allows you to fail without the pain of actually failing. The opportunity to learn lessons through the understanding of other people's thinking - through their failures - without expending the resources a person has to expend in order to fail on their own.

We also believe that people have to come to their own conclusions. They have to learn their own lessons. That we all have resources through which we can become better informed and that can help us succeed, but our own success is our own responsibility.

So, although you can become informed by asking others questions.
- By studying the thinking of others. By really listening to the information provided to you. - The most valuable thing you can do is ask yourself questions.

Through asking yourself questions you allow yourself to come to your own conclusions.

Through this, your successes are your own successes and your failures are your own failures. At that point, there is opportunity. Opportunity to learn, then to help yourself, and then to help your community.

Michael and I wrote this together. We like it.

"With every mistake we must surely be learning." - The Beatles - My Guitar Gently Weeps

Equality

My Grandma passed away yesterday.
____________________________

Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things these last two days. Mostly this:

I've been thinking about how everyone is the same.

Women People, Men People, Disabled People, Nicaraguan People, Chinese People, African American People, Cigarette Smoking People, Addicted-To-Heroine People, Rich People, Living-In-The-Slums-Of-Brazil People, White Power People, Buddhist People, Spiritual People, Atheist People, Short People, Famous People, Young People, Old People, Republican People, Homeless People.

That on the surface we seem different. We look different. We act different. We speak differently languages. We believe in ideals - with fervor - that are often substantially different. Given the same situation, we make different choices.

Even recognizing those differences, I still believe that everyone is the same. That the differences we perceive between people are illusory.

That we are not different because of our physicality or our choices in life, but the same because of the challenges we face.
____________________________

My Grandma passed away today. I was close to my Grandma. I loved her deeply.

She was the most loving person I've ever met. She prayed every day for the well-being of her family, her community, and for peace. She loved unconditionally and lived only to serve. You couldn't leave her house hungry. Impossible.

I loved my Grandma, so today I am in pain. I feel pain for the loss of someone who was important to my growth and development as a person. I feel the pain that comes with losing someone who I loved and who loved me.

I believe that all people feel this loss the same way. The White Power People and the Disabled People. The Famous People and the Old People. Given this situation, everyone has the same pain.  Given this situation, people may act differently, but those actions stem from the same pain.
____________________________

I don't believe we are different because of our differences, I believe we are the same because we all face the same challenges and the experience the same joys.

When people are challenged, there is pain. When there is joy in the life of a person, there is happiness.

Again, on the surface the challenges look different. Losing a job, losing a loved one, losing your position in life, losing friends. These all represent different experiences situationally, but at the core are all the experience of loss.

Everyone knows the experience of loss. White or Black. Rich or Poor. It's a pain everyone knows and it's a pain everyone knows the same way.

In the same way, we all know joy. Success is a powerful joy. It's a joy that people will strive towards relentlessly. Most interestingly, people can feel successful doing all sorts of things. Running fast, making money, stealing from others, empowering others, getting ahead of others, controlling others, making others happy. Although it's easy to judge "how" people find the joy of success, we can all understand the joy they experience.

To me, recording the countless, tiny differences between us before recognizing the systemic similarities seems short-sited.

I believe that we are all the same and that our "differences" simply represent own unique manifestations of this "sameness."  

That we are same because we share the same path.  A path that takes us through joy and through pain.  That to be a person is to be a person.

That the content of our lives my vary wildly, but the context of being alive is shared by everyone.
____________________________

I'm sad today because I miss my Grandma, but I am hopeful because of this thinking:

I see clearly that we are all the same and because I can see that clearly, countless other people must see that clearly, too. I am a normal person. I play saxophone. I am a teacher. If this is something I can see, countless other people must see this, too.

If this is true, then people are starting to have the capacity to truly recognize each other as equal. Normal people can recognize this. This is new. This is amazing. And everything will change.

I believe we are all the same. The same in life and the same in death.
____________________________

I'm grateful for the time I shared with my Grandma and thankful for all that I learned from her.

I want to be my Grandma when I grow up. She loved unconditionally. Everyone. She was amazing.

10 Years

Choosing to be a musician was the best choice I've made in my life.

The rewards, the challenges, the friendships and the profound sense of community, performing, teaching, and of course practicing - for me, this path has been perfect.  Ideal.

I know now that practically speaking, choosing to be a musician was a horrible idea.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into - I got good grades in school.  I could have been a doctor or something.  Instead, I'm poor. I'm tired. My body is sore from practicing.  None of these things are things I would have chosen on purpose.

Choosing to be a musician was the best choice I've made in my life.  Not because it has been easy, but because of how I've been challenged.

Along this path, I've been consistently challenged and challenged in ways that have often been painful.  Every challenge, though, has been a challenge to be more honest.  To be a better person.  To give more deeply.  To be more present.  To be more grateful.  To treat people unconditionally.  To learn from others - younger and older.  To listen to my heart and to really make choices that come from the best part of me.

Being a musician was the best choice I've made in my life.  Not because it has been easy, but because of how I've been challenged.  And through these challenges, I've learned how to be honest. How be a part of a community. How be myself.

And so you know I'm not kidding...
I'm writing this after working - practically straight - from 7:30am this morning until 11pm tonight.

I made the decision to become a musician about 10 years ago.  I was 17.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  Luckily, choosing to be a musician was the best choice I've ever made.

Thank you everyone who has been a part of my life these last 10 years.  I've learned so much with and from you.

It's Too Hot For A Doughnut.

The videos are up from my time at the Second Story Garage with Kent McLagan (b) and Jay Ellis (d). 

You can watch the videos here including an sweetly awkward interview with Jay, Kent, and I. Boy, was this a fun session. I remember laughing the whole time. 

My favorite video from this performance? Definitely the tune, "It's Too Hot For A Doughnut!" Those words are the title and the lyrics. 

Kent gave me a hard time about that one.
He did not agree that it was too hot for a doughnut.

It's Too Hot for a Doughnut!

Danny Meyer - Saxophone

Kent McLagan - Bass

Jay Ellis - Drums

You can watch the rest of the videos as well as videos from other local Boulder artists here.